Bestmen’s Pledge

Becoming an ex-bachelor is no joke. Especially if your surname is the most famous one in Africa and you’re marrying a princess. Because of that, I will need the bestmen, or Real Ex-Bachelors of Lilayi (REBoLs), as they have come to be known, to take an oath before assuming office as my compadres on this journey from bachelorhood to ex-bachelorhood.

Below is the pledge of allegiance that the REBoLs will have to read out while holding a Bible in their right hands, just before signing the important pledge:

I, ________________________ [name of prospective REBOL] pledge to

1. focus at least 80 per cent of my energy, time, financial resources and brain power to ensuring the success of the Zulu-Hamayanda merger, even if it means
   1. spending overnight brainstorming sessions with fellow Real Ex-Bachelors of Lilayi, deciding whether or not our socks should be have little purple patterns on them.
   2. driving hundreds of kilometres out of town to collect items of importance or meet individuals and corporates who could potentially make the merger signing ceremony successful and exciting
   3. answering all questions asked by the soon-to-be-ex-bachelor not more than 30 minutes after they have been asked
2. avoid asking questions likely to cause confusion or derail the preparations of this very important event
3. attend each dance practice session unless a problem equivalent to a Level 4 (or higher) earth tremor occurs, in which case I will give the Entertainment Coordinator prior written, signed and stamped notice at least 12 hours before the particular dance meet
4. further notify my fellow REBOLs of my absence using either
   1. the REBOL app, if I happen to be in an area that has functioning Wi-Fi or 3G/4G mobile connectivity
   2. the automated “I will not make it and I have informed the Ent Coordinator” voice-over programmed into my mobile device
5. arrive at each dance practice session at least 10 minutes before the stipulated time and to perform the requisite pre-dance warm-up exercises, because I fully understand that the dance routines have a propensity to ruining muscles of ill-prepared dancers
6. set my mobile devices to Airplane mode as soon as I arrive at the dance meet venue, because I am fully aware that some of the dance moves will have me flying at near airplane height, plus the soon-to-be-ex-bachelor does not want me texting, browsing or taking calls, unless there are extenuating circumstances, such as my ex-spinster wanting me to procure vegetables after the dance session and I need to consult her about the greenness of the vegetables
7. have my feet checked to ensure one of them is left and the other is right, no later than the 3^rd dance meet
8. participate fully in all activities concerning the dance practices and encourage the participation of other REBOLs
9. avoid sharing the dance moves I learn with external parties because the Entertainment Coordinator’s dance moves are pending patents.

 

In pledging the foregoing, I join the Real Ex-Bachelors of Lilayi as a groomsman this 20^th day of May 2017.

So God grant me grace.