After the many questions, and admittedly much ado, I wish to officially state my position on invitations to my wedding.
Mkushi Accents will MC my wedding reception, which will basically render it a comedy show. As such, I’m not issuing invitation cards… I’m selling tickets and they’re going for K300.00 each. This will include a food coupon for adults and highspeed Wi-Fi access so you can upload selfies in real-time.
An additional K10.00 will rent you a selfie stick. Note that you will not be permitted to photograph anyone other than yourself because ISSO Media is the official media service provider. Available space is limited, so get your ticket now. The first 3 ladies and first 3 gentlemen will qualify for VIP seating at the high table and will need to meet the entertainment coordinator every Saturday at 14hrs in the front garden of my Avondale residence for the next few months leading to the wedding. They will also receive a full refund to allow them to buy brand new clothing to wear at the wedding. (They will need to top up a substantial amount of money to purchase the clothing.) The 3 ladies should note that purchase of outfits that have the potential of making them look more attractive than my fiancé, is strictly forbidden. But just a heads-up, it is actually impossible for any of them to look more attractive than her, so I’m not worried. However, because of the red tape associated with this red carpet event, the head of my fiancé’s security detail will conduct a briefing to explain the intricate T’s & C’s that relate to being considered for a seat at the high table. Only one rule will govern the gentlemen’s eligibility for seating in the VIP section: they should not be computer programmers, because computer programmers (such as myself) are not likely to know how to make the entertaining entry and exit that the event requires.
Finally, note that tickets will have their owners’ names coded in a sophisticated 2D matrix and printed on them at time of purchase, and so the tickets are not transferrable. Highly skilled security personnel in riot gear, and equipped with teargas canisters will man the peripheries to ensure that loiterers and other trouble makers without tickets do not cause havoc or engage in any disruptive shenanigans at the reception venue, as was the case at the U-20 AfCON last month. Now since Computicket refused to sell tickets on our behalf after a petty disagreement about profit-sharing, tickets are only available at Wong Zulu Online.